The Lullaby is the Spell
by Lumi75
Summary: Little expressionless Illumi growing up fic. Feat. Kikyou.


Disclaimer: All characters belong to Togashi

Notes: The chronological order isn't strictly linear. Um, I'll probably be back to add dates and such at some point. An old fic of mine but reviews will still be welcome, esp from fellow illumi fans! :)

:: Blows dust off ::

XXX

**The Lullaby is the Spell**

Ask Illumi if he were under a spell and he would remember a pair of large, sparkling eyes the color of rain.

Yes, he could laugh about it now, but even when he was too young to know the value of money, he knew that those rare moments …were pure gold. He never felt Kikyou really saw him. What she saw was "keep your outfit sharp!" or "sit with your legs together!" or "don't talk so much!" He worked hard to get her love. He had to work very, very hard, because there were only selective behaviors she would see. Sometimes he wondered why Milluki couldn't stop collecting princess dolls with large and shining eyes. Could his brother also not get enough of the bewitching spark in her eyes? Because soon after Milluki could toddle after Kikyou, he saw his mother's eyes slashed to ribbons by an assassin. Nothing could be retrieved, not even with nen. All they could do was sew up the frayed ends to a cybernetic laser while Kikyou continued to scream. From the way she tightened her corsets, Kikyou never recovered from the shock. Her mechanical side ruled the household through steely eyes. Illumi knew she preserved the remnants of her real eyes in a jar somewhere in her private room. He refused to admit that it would horrify him to see it again. Kalluto told him the fragments floated in a blue canister between bushels of crumbling dried roses and decaying antique dresses.

But even in this state, the eyes had the real power to guide his life. Like the light from a sun that had exploded, but whose rays continued to travel into his heart.

XXX

From the start, Illumi was hardly an opinionated child. There he was, 4 years old, silently sitting at the dinner table with Zeno, eager to learn from the tough old patriarch. While his grandfather was simply dressed, his surroundings certainly were not. From behind his couch rose a magnificent screen of climbing dragons that looked sleek under the light of golden lanterns. Laid out in front of him was feast of lean meat and a porcelain wine bottle heated by a charcoal brazier. From his belt hung a scroll that proclaimed his life motto in no uncertain terms "A Kill a Day". This was no bored rich old man. This was a man who built up his exalted status by following his truth, day by day, zenni by zenni.

"Son – do you know what makes us Zaoldyecks better than 99% of all the assassins out there?" The old man expounded between bites from his silver chopsticks. "Do you know how we have the skills to do what most people CAN'T do and why we're DANG GOOD at what we do?"

"Yes Grandfather."

"I'm talking about getting the Quality Customers here, the ones who pay by the billions."

"Yes Grandfather."

"And I'm talking about Class-A Targets here, the ones that most people can't even imagine getting within a 4 mile radius of. And we're able to go out there and do those things that most people can't do."

"Yes Grandfather…..Because we have a system!" chorused Zeno at the same as Illumi. The old man's eyes bored into Ilumi's with an egotistical flame as he calmly stroked his moustache.

"That's right. Anyone can be a killer, even if they are stupid. The dodo's come into the market and they get burned up. Dodos who think that being an assassin is only about mastering a weapon don't know what they are doing. They dump their lives into a giant vacuum cleaner which says "Next!"

"Yes, Grandfather"

"So, Illumi. Do you know what is the first rule of the Zaoldyeck System?"

"Just Follow the Rules" Illumi said as determinedly as a child's voice could be. By now, it was already hardwired. The key to his survival was to stay silent and allow the huge power to pass through him like wind through a hollow tunnel. Clearly, following orders was the best way of being efficient. Even if he was afraid, he would do it for his family.

_He would do it for_ _Mother_.

"That's right. We don't get paid for Creativity. We get paid for RESULTS". Zeno concluded cynically, although he was thrown off momentarily by the look of pure loyalty on the child's face. Despite all the pain that his family had put him through, the little man was so incredibly obedient that Zeno didn't know for sure how Kikyou achieved it without a spell. She boasted that her baby would never cry even if he was ignored, starved or poisoned. Sure enough, when he dropped by the nursery, Illumi's face looked a little blue and ugly blisters popped randomly on his body, but he only stared back with those creepy silent eyes that asked for nothing. He did not think this was actually something to be proud of. All that emotion had to go somewhere…and if they couldn't be expressed, they would simply go underground.

"Yes, Grandfather," agreed Illumi with eyes that looked like empty, bottomless wells.

XXX

The 10 year old Zoaldyeck brushed aside the autumn leaves beneath the moss-covered log, took off his jacket and pushed himself into the underground hole. Inside, the dank space was roofed by dangling roots and carpeted by tiny animal bones. It was also large enough for him to sit upright. It was hard to make out the faint markings in the silvery twilight, but they were unmistakably from a foxbear. Eyes wide in amusement, the young assassin touched the bandage across his head. It was still wet from a similar, four-clawed gnash. Sweat which dripped down his skin under his steaming collar also mingled with bloodstains of three foxbears skinned in the field. All in all, he reeked of enough foxbear blood to attract the feeding frenzy of any passing wolf-tiger pack, yet tonight, by a reversal of fate, he would be sheltered by an abandoned foxbear den. Alone for the first time on a mission that involved real kills, Illumi also discovered another reversal.

_Taking lives wasn't the intense experience he anticipated. _

Either there's a flaw in the Zaoldyeck System, the boy mused, or there's a flaw in me. Maybe I AM sick. But I'm still hungry for something and its…not the events of the day, he was sure of it. He didn't mean the physical part wasn't excruciatingly intense. It was just that…even when he pushed past 80% and entered the muscle-numbing, shining zone of 100%, 120% performance….somewhere underground, a serpent stirred restlessly. "What's wrong with me?" Illumi groaned aloud. "Why can't I get what I want?" Had his past three years in the Sky Tower corrupted him that much? When he was a child, nothing could make him happier than following orders and doing everything well. He felt like a part of a big family. But ever since dueling in Sky Tower, he learnt about excitement and loneliness. You could say he had traded innocence for knowledge…

But, licking his lips at the memory, he knew if he had to do the same again, he would. He closed his eyes, remembering the moment in Sky Tower when he finally admitted the truth. His own truth, not Zeno's, Silva's, or Kikyou's, but his own. In the dueling arena, imitating his elders did not work. Deep inside, he was nothing like his feisty elders. Hard as it was to admit, he had no… strength. What he had was softness, silence and perseverance. _Like Water. As weak as Water could be, or as strong as Water could be. But he could not pretend to be Fire. He was Coldness, Darkness, Calmness. _

_Deception, Illusion, Suggestion._

Illumi finally ended his losing streak in Sky Tower. By being cold and silent, he could read a lot about his opponent, especially when he provoked their first moves. His defence were the questions, their attacks were the answers. The advantage belonged to the interrogator. He was getting excited again, thinking about it. He remembered the frustration of a point match. Win or lose, the conversations were ALWAYS interrupted just as it was getting good. He heard the voice of the announcer through the speaker grids, reverberating smoothly above the noise of the masses. "1 point hitttt! And that's 10 Points for Illumi!! The Winner is… IIIllumiii!!!" _No! It's not over yet!_ Illumi almost yelled. Forget 10 points – even if he needed 100 more…he wanted to go to the end of the line – into the eye of the storm. _He wanted it so badly…._

XXX

Illumi remembered nothing of the years before his third birthday, although his body possibly did. One day, many years later, while training to become Gitaraku, he decided to pose the question to his muscles, bones, heart, liver and breathing. "I'm curious about the first poison I tried," he asked, sticking a pin into his head. "Tell me." He was lucky he was just sitting under a tree because his heart suddenly popped. "Don't ask", came the reply. "You don't deserve one." And it hurt so badly Gitaraku had to punch another pin into his chest as hard as he could to make it stop.

XXX

The first life he took was that of an animal, although he didn't value him any less because of that. Foxbears made better opponents than many people from Sky Tower. When he was ordered to leave home and survive in the forest around Kukuru Mountain until he had captured 31 Foxbears, skinned them and traded the fur – he knew that the hand of destiny had finally reached for him.

_And made him sick instead._

Although with 1 million jennies in his wallet after the first trade, he could afford to buy better gear to avoid the stomach flu….Surely it would be better the second time round….Unfortunately, it was worse. The memory made Illumi bite his gloves until the nausea passed. He spit in a corner. With the same gloves smothering his breaths condensing in the chilly morning air, the 10 year old boy had planted himself at the edge of the hole for as long as he dared. There, after his eyes adjusted to humid darkness, he could see a deep pile of reddish fur softly slumbering. His fingers reached for his poison needles....but froze as soon as he saw a tiny snuggling movement. _Not again_…Two little ones.

_What do I do? Just kill the big one? Or all three? Father just said 31 Foxbears. So get all three. _But still he hesitated._ No, kill the mother and they were as good as dead. Then you should kill all three._

He poised to throw the needles again – but his fingers would not obey. Illumi saw the foxbear paw just before it smacked blindingly into his head. At the same instant he was already rolling away and hurling his poison needles at the charging form, where he aimed at the head as precisely as his dizziness permitted. Stumbling aside, he flung another fistful of needles into the skull and saw it puncture through the soft cartilage. Enraged roars rent from the bear's lungs but her relentless claws continued plow at him like a muscular tank. He jumped onto a tree branch to watch the scene like a geometric display. The foxbear mother sped about, knocking into trees, while the two cubs clung back at the mouth of the den. Then one of the cubs ran towards the mother while the other lopped off in the opposite direction. At a motion of his hand, first one, then another cub collapsed, thrashing.

Illumi always bought the most expensive poison he could afford, so how come they took so long to die?

Foxbear fur, magnificently rich and lush, could be taken apart in a neat, even elegant manner, if a person knew what he was doing. Even the smaller sizes. Illumi carried out the red and white anatomy lesson as respectfully as possible as if to make up for something. He was very neat, wasn't he? Hadn't Zeno praised him before as "Quite the little Craftsman"? He was violently sick. Then he coughed softly. The temperature tended to drop dramatically in the night and the worst was yet to come. Winter was half the year in Padokia. Yet another reason why it was ok to take the lives of mother and cub right? Heck, given the weather, it could be HIS life on the line, if he didn't hurry up, meet the quota and get back to a warm room.

Right, Father?

XXX

_Don't help him no matter what, _Silva had ordered.

Like a woman about to pull the trigger on someone she loved, Kikyou sank woodenly into an armchair and fed her first-born son Illumi from a glass bottle filled with a black liquid. The baby's pitch black eyes opened very wide and he grasped the bottle with both hands He burbled happily. After that, Kikyou entered the isolation room with her baby and closed the door behind her. The baby was able to see in the dark and he crawled around curiously. At the expected moment, his little body suddenly quivered and he looked around for his mother with stunned glassy eyes. This was the crucial moment for Kikyou to leave him alone. The child had to be strong enough to endure the rest of the conditioning or he would never survive to adulthood in the Zoaldyeck's world.

The door was locked and thick ghostly fear engulfed Illumi. He felt black, spidery snow falling into his eyes, nose and mouth from the unseen crevices of the ceiling, suffocating him. He felt his guts twisted with unbearable pain. He cried desperately for his mother.

XXX

_It's _your_ mission, you know._ A boyish voice started speaking to Illumi from within the foxbear den. "But I don't know what to do...my body can't follow orders. I can't move or I get sick."

_And were you sick? _"I can't remember…." Illumi awoke somewhat and found himself alone in a chilly dungeon. He was on a bed surrounded by wooden posts. Something loomed above him, something warm and exciting, _a pair of sparkling, rain colored eyes staring straight at him._ _Mother. He would make her dreams come true…live out the life she couldn't live… _

_And what does your Mother want?_

XXX

Kikyou observed him with a veiled and steely gaze, eyelashes lowered like a frilly fan hiding steel spikes while her cool finger caressed his chin absent-mindedly, calmingly. Relaxing in her touch, Illumi noticed for the first time how the plumes in her cap floated so slowly in the close, still air, each silken tendril gleaming with its own lemon phosphoresce. Illumi's eyelids began to calmly lower…mirroring his mother's. Noticing that, the barest sigh of relief flickered past her parted lips, sending a mysterious hint of intoxicating fragrance towards Illumi. When he too, began to smile, Kikyou beamed. For long minutes mother and son waited…just waited like that connected by a light, careless touch that dominated Illumi's mind, taking him to a stronghold far above the waves of painful spasms wracking havoc through his bloodstream. Tears flowed down his pink cheeks and trickled down Kikyou's finger into her ornamental cuffs, but neither paid it any heed, lost in sharing a secret.

Ask Illumi about his earliest memory and he would remember a pair of large, sparkling eyes the color of rain.

XXX

I don't know. She's too afraid to do anything after her eyes got cut. She doesn't do anything anymore.

_No, she can't do a lot of things really, can she? So how many of those things have you done for her?_ "I fought in the Sky Tournament."

_And was she happy when you did that? _"No. She was a bundle of nerves."

_And the other two things? Would she be happy if you do that?_

"What? You mean to dress up, go to a ball and flirt?"

_Sure…_

"No…I think she would be mad."

_So you could never please her. _

"No."

_Then?_

"Then I'll stop."

_Then what do you want to do?_

"I can't say…"

_If you can't say it you won't get it._

"I don't want it."

_That's not what you said at the Sky Tower._

(I wanted it badly)

_Now tell me again. What do you want to do?_

XXX

Each pathetic wail was like a knife cutting through Kikyou. Sitting in the outer room, she bit her lips and miserably covered her ears. 15 more excruciating minutes were all that she could endure. No matter how she thought about it, abandoning her baby like this was wrong. She knew Silva would punish her later, but she decided to act on her conscience.

Kikyou knelt down and soundlessly lifted up Illumi's chin with her index finger.

XXX

"Who are you?"

_Nobody_

"If you're nobody how I can I give anything to you?"

_I don't want anything._

"If you don't want anything then you won't get anything! Not like you deserve it, anyway!"

_And I never asked you for anything…._ Illumi could see an unhappy ghost in the room with him. His eyes had no interest, no hope, only dark memories falling like tears. Illumi felt very sorry for the kid who could not see his own importance. He grabbed his shadow around the shoulder to envelop him with his own body heat. He felt strength, warmth and lightness flow inside him towards the dark, underground world of the fearful little ghost. When the direction of flow of love was reversed, he felt so full that he could burst.

XXX

When he woke up, the sky was lit in tender colors. Somehow the world looked unusually innocent… purity radiated from the grass, saplings, the trees and even the birds flying from the branches. His whole body was covered by a light silvery aura flowing silently like a calm river. In the autumn of the following year, Zebulo was smoking a cigarette in his guardhouse when he saw a dark haired girl walk calmly up to the gates of verification, push open the first two sets and give him a short nod before entering. The cigarette dropped from his slackened face. "Who in the world -?"

Even Zeno couldn't recognize his grandson, even though he had been in contact with Illumi through mail left at the trading station. He knew the boy had already discovered _nen_ on his own. The ordeal aged Illumi in a shocking way. He looked younger, softer. A milky light glowed under his skin. Once in his room, he flung open his closet and took out everything, clothes, photos, toys, old weapons – everything. He threw them into the fireplace where they burst into flames. It was an enigma. In the natural born assassin, death had the reverse effect of life. Kikyou had mixed feelings. Silva was proud. And Zeno was very, very pleased.

Not only did he seem free of Kikyou's spell, but he had a lot of potential as an assassin. _For only an assassin with a conscience was fit to make life or death decisions. _

_Fin_


End file.
